Coming Home Again

“I made a big mistake.”
“About Exeter?”
“Yes, I made a big mistake. You should be with us for that time. I should never let you go there.”
“So why did you?” I said.
“Because I didn’t know I was going to die.”

ChangRae Lee’s “Coming Home Again” is an autobiographical account of the writers own relationship with his mother. In it, he examines his childhood and upbringing after her death. Though the family is Korean, I believe this is one of, if not the only story we have read thus far that transcends the cultural perspective from which it is written. It explores the realities of family relationships, the death of a parent, identity, and home. In the end, however, I believe all of these things accumulate to represent the narrators struggle to cope with the death of his mother, as well as his appreciation of the things she has done to raise him. Much of this was done through the medium of food.

Throughout the story, both Lee’s identity, sense of home, and relationship with his mother are represented by food. In fact, there is an abundance of evidence to support this claim, such as when his mother claims (about the meat) “it needs to bone nearby to borrow its richness” (Lee 2). The duel meaning that the quote implies is that Lee’s mother needs him close by because he provides her with happiness. Each description of the preparation of food symbolizes their relationship. On the other hand, Exeter, the private school to which his mother sent him, was a manifestation of each of their respective guilt. Lee tells of us his mother’s worries about sending him to private school, both after he has come home (evident by the quote above) and before. She grew “nervous and distant” after only 6 weeks in his absence in fear that he would consider her “more and more ignorant” each time he came home (Lee 4). She did not want to lose her son “in either body or spirit” (Lee 3). Really, she was afraid that the physical distance between her and her son would create a similar emotional distance. The narrator focuses a great deal on her guilt over sending him to school because, in her absence, he realizes the great sacrifice she made to build for him a good life.

Food, however, was one of, if not the only thing that could alleviate her worry to some degree. Similarly, food reminded him who he was when he was feeling lost. With reference to his school, he claims “I felt as if I had plunged too deep into the world, which, to my great horror, was much larger than I had ever imagined” (Lee 4). Many of his worries were dispelled when his mother visits him with a cooler of Korean food. He states “And it seemed I couldn’t get enough of it back. I ate and I ate, so much and so fast that I actually went to the bathroom and vomited” (Lee 4). Gorging himself with the food was similar to gorging himself with his sense of home, his identity, and his relationship with his mother. It was his acknowledgement that he missed her and of his love of their relationship. To that end, when he eats, he claims “And beneath the face of her worry, I thought, my mother was smiling” (Lee 5). This symbolism of food explains the reason his mother was so upset when he rejects her food on the day of the school picnic. It symbolized, to her, a deterioration of their relationship that neither of them had control over. This was due in part to her fear that the school would take him from her. Similarly, when he cooks all of the finger dishes to his mother and she cannot eat the, it symbolized, to him, a similar deterioration of her health and thus their time together or their relationship. These two examples of their food induced sadness, however, show just how strong their relationship really was and how much they truly cared for each other. In the end, food was the medium through which their relationship was strengthened and their worries alleviated. Each time he ate, it was like coming home again.

As a side note, this story was one I found myself relating to very frequently. There were many instances I felt I could understand the narrator, though I’m sure this was due primarily to the writing. However, the part that stuck out to me most was the end, when he found out his mother cried after he chose to eat at the school picnic. When I was eight, my parents got divorced. They made a schedule and planned where I would be on which holidays, so on and so forth. So, I was to spend the first thanksgiving after my parents’ divorce with my father and his family. My mother had called me to wish me a happy thanksgiving. It was only years later that my mother told me that, after she had hung up, she broke down in tears. I felt very guilty, despite many of the circumstances being out of my control, especially to an 8 year old version of myself. I suppose one of the points of the story is to illicit sources of both happiness and sadness within those who read it, with respect to their own relationships. It’s supposed to make you appreciate everything you have, which I try to do as often as I can, though it is sometimes very hard. I enjoyed this story very much.